Shitty Commercial Review #1

Where to start, where to start...

Well, I'm going to begin this shitty review with some comments from actual users of this phone:

"Livonia Washington-Jackson Jul 9, 2008 9:20 PM GMT I love the Jitterbug because it's pretty and nice. It makes me feel so gay to use it. If you want to feel gay like me, get the Jitterbug! I suggest the black, once you have black you'll never go back!"

"Mabel Tinkerstein Jul 9, 2008 9:08 PM GMT I like the Jitterbug! My husband Ernie died back in the WW2. He got the gout. This Jitterbug phone replaces all the old men trying to get with me at my retirement village. The Jitterbug is better then a boyfriend because I can see what I am doing. I think that is important. I feel like a groovy granny now that Jitterbug has given me my freedom."


Sauce.


Anyways, moving on. I hate Jitterbug. I hate the commercial. I hate that I turn on my TV and its there, waiting for me, waiting to sing to me. They say in the commercial, word for word, that technology and simplicity have come together to create a cell phone unlike any other.

Yeah, I'd fucking say. Go to 0:11.

Who has ever heard of someone who is so fucking retarded that having a number pad on their phone is too "complicated"? I think these god damned old people should be forced to do something useful besides bitch, eat prunes, vote for McCain, and buy Jitterbugs. They're useless. All they do is talk about what it was like back in their day when gasoline cost them twenty-four cents and when "girls were girls" and "men were men".


"Who needs glasses?"

Not that lady. I'm going to gouge her eyes out. See if glasses will help her then.



On the fucked-up-retard rating, I give this shitty commercial 3 out of 5 stars.
It gets 2 stars for the fucking retarded ass music.
It gets 1 star for promoting a product that helps the elderly, when we all know that the elderly need to die.

Shitty Art Review #1

Loving Each Other by Shadow-The-Bad

Desc: "that must be true love...

~shadow and maria with humanized bodys!~"


Art (c) Shadow-The-Bad
Maria (c) Maria The Hedgehog
Shadow (c) SEGA Sonic Team



First thing I want to say: it is damn hard to find really, really bad fanart. It is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I mean, obviously there is a lot of stuff out there that is badly drawn, unimaginative, etc... but there are few things out there that catch my eye and make me want to throw up all over my shoes. This got the job done.

The first thing that's obviously wrong with this is that it is sonic fanart. Fanart is bad enough by itself, unless its extremely well done, but the fact that there's someone out there who takes sonic so seriously makes me die a little inside.


Two fucking naked hedgehogs, hugging each other with "humanized bodys".

Does the white one, "Maria", have a pair of big white titties? Holy shit, what the hell? This must be what it feels like to wake up in hell with Satan's big sweaty cock in your mouth. I feel like someone took a shit on my face and killed my parents.

And does "Maria" even EXIST in the "Sonic Universe" (rofl) ?

I did a bit of research, and it turns out that our friend "Maria" is a Mary-Sue.

....


Well, I think its time to close this shit up.
On the fucked-up-retard rating, I give this shitty art 4 out of 5 stars.
It gets 2 stars for the nasty white boobs. 1 star for each boob.
It gets 1 star for poor coloring, shading, and a clashing background.
It gets 1 star for featuring a fucking Mary-Sue.

Shitty Toy Review #1

Playskool® Kota Triceratops

Hey everybody! It's time to hop on board the shit mobile and and take yourself back to prehistoric times! That's right! It's the Kota Triceratops! Look at that little asshole.


The Kota Triceratops is just like a "real baby dinosaur", because scientists have discovered what live dinosaurs were like as infants. The process was easy. All they had to do was build a time machine and go back to the prehistoric era. After doing so, they took the fruits of their research and created the brilliant toy I am now presenting to you. When children ride it, its head, eyes, horns (?) and tail move! It can hold up to sixty-pounds of child!


It responds to child's voice and touch with "animated body parts". Oh ho ho!

It has two obnoxious "sound modes" that are sure to send parents to a level of hell they didn't even know existed. Some times it makes "baby roars", and it also has four "adventure songs".

Adventure songs, huh?




Anyhow, thought you'd all enjoy a nice video of this... thing.

Now at first this didn't really seem like a bad idea when I first saw it. I loved dinosaurs when I was kid. Totally loved them. But I didn't love them sexually.

Watch carefully between second markers 0:14 - 0:16

What the hell?

Is that kid fucking HUMPING Kota the Triceratops?

I think he is.

On the fucked-up-retard rating, I give this toy 3 out of 5 stars.


1 star for the fact that this son of a bitch sings
1 star because its advertised as a "riding" toy even though it doesn't even freaking walk
1 star because of the moronic sounds it makes

BEEEEER!

England is the place for me.

Bats in the toilets!

This morning I awoke to my father yelling at my sister that I left the pool cage door open. Apparently this is a bad thing because that means that bats could get into my pool and drown. That is the only explanation I have come to. And thusly, I laid in bed and pondered what it must be like to be a bat, and I wondered, can bats swim?
And so, my dear friends, I present you with an educational video about batties :D!

Follow the day and reach for the sun!

So basically I decided today that its bad to eat peanut butter. My reasoning is that peanut butter is incredibly fattening and all around bad for you. Why? Peanuts are people too, okay? Just because they don't have faces, organs, personalities, or souls doesn't mean that they aren't people. What's important is that they have families and lives. Have you ever been saved by a peanut fireman? Me too. One time my apartment was burning down and I thought I was going to die, but of course, a peanut came and saved my life. They are dignified people with a true sense of self and courageous hearts. They are hard working and come from the continent of South America. They also live in Mexico some times. They come to America, legally, and plant their seeds of labor. How can you live with knowing that you feed upon these unique people and deprive them of what we all deserve: life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? How can you live with knowing that there's a peanut child out there who no longer has his peanut father, and all because you wanted a sandwich?
Let me tell you something: Fuck you. I have a dream that some day we won't eat people anymore. I have a dream that all humans can live their lives without being consumed by imperialistic fucks like you.